Who do you want to be in life?

I often think this and I really don’t know. I know the obvious answers to this question. I want to be a good person, I want to be helpful to others.. the list goes on. One that really stands out to me is what people think of me. I want a personality that really stands out. I want to be myself but I want everyone to remember me in a good way. When someone says my name I want them to think, “Oh yeah.. She’s so.. ____.” What do I want them to think? I don’t know that either. I just often worry if others see me as someone different than I truly am deep inside. My brain spirals into a whirlwind of other question about why I care so much about what people think or how they label me?  I think part of my problem is feeling like I can’t be myself. I try to be this positive, fun person but there are certain aspects of my life that take a toll on me. I suffer from an anxiety disorder, eating disorder and agoraphobia. All of these things technically keep me from truly being me. For two years of my life I wasn’t able to leave my house. I was living with my boyfriends grandparents and they kept bugging me asking me why I didn’t go anywhere. It’s the hardest thing that’s ever happened to me in my whole life. I still struggle everyday but you have to keep going. You have to be that person that you want to be. After losing 41 pounds I’ve successfully gained 20 pounds back. It doesn’t seem like much but I’m back to a normal weight. I do leave home but that doesn’t mean it’s not hard sometimes. I wouldn’t be where I am today if I had given up. I gave up for two years while watching the days pass confined in a small bedroom. I realized that things won’t get better unless you try. I want to get back to my normal life so that people can remember me for me and not remember how I am because of my condition. I will be myself again one day and I want anyone that has the same struggles to feel the same. If you’re feeling like you can’t cope just know that with a little push things will get the ball rolling. It will be hard and possibly the hardest thing you’ve ever done but the feelings of accomplishment afterwords are so great that you will be thankful. You will be so happy that you didn’t give in to the feelings of wanting to just sit and wait for things to change. You will feel like it’s not worth it because let’s face it.. It’s easier to sit and not feel these awful feelings when you go out but the longer you sit the harder it will be. They will never go away if you don’t fight them. It sucks to think that they won’t change if you don’t try. It sucks to know that you have to struggle to get where you need to be. It sucks to look at others when you’re out and see how easy they are doing normal everyday tasks. Things will be hard and it will suck but if you keep pushing on you will be the person you want to be. If you struggle from anxiety or any other mental disorder you are not alone. There are many of us and if you don’t understand why someone does or acts the way they do be sure not to judge. You don’t know what they’re going through inside. Someone that you pushed out of the way for staring into space like a deer in lights could be suffering inside. The person that you yelled at for messing up your order at the carry out could be suffering. The person you laughed at for crying at the mall could be suffering. If you see someone out alone and they’re in distress you could always ask them if they’re alright. Sometimes just knowing that someone is there is enough to get you back on your feet. You’re not alone and things will get better. It’s a battle with you’re own mind and that’s something you can’t run from but have to face.

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